July 05, 2015 2 min read

sex-talk.jpg It is not always easy to talk about what you like and what you don’t like in bed. How do you tell him that you are really turned off by something he does without hurting his feelings? How well does it work to say: “No stop that”, “not so hard” and so on… It might sound obvious, but some interesting new research is emerging to show that sexual satisfaction is higher in couples who give positive feedback verbally and negative feedback non-verbally. Therefore, to communicate about sex effectively you should have to two different approaches…

1. Giving Positive Feedback

This should be done verbally. Tell him what you like during and after the session. Your man will remember this and in future will consciously or sub-consciously do what he got positive reinforcement for. This is not about telling him what to do, it is about telling him what he is doing right (because you want more of it!).

2. Giving Negative Feedback

If negative feedback is given verbally, people tend to lose their confidence in bed. If you tell him: “you are going too fast” and 10 seconds later, “it is too hard”, and another few seconds later; “leave my boobs alone for few minutes please”, you are probably going to end up with a lover who is very nervous and in the end, incompetent. The same message could have been given non-verbally by using your hands to slow him down, ease his grip or change his position. You can also change your position or start pleasuring him. He might not even notice, but again, consciously or sub-consciously he will not continue to do something that he is not rewarded for. I have seen too often how couples cause damage that takes ages to repair by saying negative things about their partner’s sexual performance. It’s not necessary – non-verbal communication works so much better. I am not talking about situations where he continues to do something that is hurting you or uncomfortable. You will have to communicate that verbally if he is not getting the message.

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