Sex In SA

As a Sexologist, I was asked to answer these questions for a magazine recently but they received it too late and could not publish it.  I thought that you could still benefit from it so i posted it here...

• How adventurous are South African men in bed?

As a group, probably less than in more sexually open countries, but of course there are some pretty adventurous ones!

• Would you say they’re more conservative than women?

No, but some get stuck in a rut and only do the same things over and over again.  Focused too much on penetration and not all the other aspects of sex.

• Do you find women are often frustrated by their partners’ lack of imagination?

Absolutely!

• Trying new things is good … right? Why? And how do guys get started?

Because the same thing over and over soon becomes boring.  If you don’t shake things up a little, you might think that you need to change or alternate the partner to keep things exciting and that is not necessary. Get started by learning new things, talking to your partner about her/his needs, desires and expectations and keep on exploring Then, more specifically:

1. Sex in New or Public Places

Having sex on the beach, in a pool – is this a common fantasy among SA men and women? Any tips for a guy on how to bring it into his sex life? Yes, many people find it very arousing and exciting.  Start by doing it in a safe and legal place! Like your care parked in your own garage or your own swimming pool! Public toilets in upmarket places (where you are relatively sure that it is clean!) might be a good place to start if you want to be a bit more risky and adventurous…

2. Threesomes (or More)

How open are women to this idea, do you find? In committed relationships: Not very open at all. Some will do it in order not to lose their man, but women don’t like sharing, in general.  OF course there are women who like a bit of girl on girl action and don’t have a moral issue with it, so it depends on who your partner is. Can bringing a third partner into play help reinvigorate a guy’s sex life? How? Sure! It is super exciting! He must just think through the potential impact on his relationship if it causes insecurity with his partner – which, in my experience, it often does. REMEMBER: I see only issues in my practice – those that have threesomes without any consequences never sit on my couch! And how should he go about bringing up the subject with his girl? Ask: "Have you every fantasised about getting it on with a girl?" Try some lesbian porn and see if it excites her. If it doesn’t, probably not worth going there!

3. Light Bondage

Everyone says it’s on the rise in SA. Is it really? Probably, yes… Are girls into it? Is it something people do regularly? Some, yes What’s a nice, safe way to try it out, as a beginner? Just use a tie as a blind fold and another one to tie one limb to the bed and then take it from there.

4. Sex Toys

The perception is that sex toys are for girls only. Guys are generally a bit suspicious of “mutual” toys. Should they be? What are the benefits? The vibration stimulates their nerve endings exactly the same way it does a women’s so why not capitalise on it? Say a guy wants to try out a few sex toys with his girl. How does he do it without freaking her out? First buy her a tiny bullet vibrator that looks like a lipstick and nothing like a penis. Ask her to play with it on her own clitoris (preferably by herself) to give her a soft landing in to world of possibilities there is in toys!

5. Anal Sex

Mags like Cosmo like to push the idea that girls are secretly into anal. But are they really? It is on the rise globally, but still a taboo for most SA women. Certainly not all – some do enjoy it and others allow it for their partner’s sake. Guys might be wary of bringing it up … How do they gauge her interest without offending her? Stimulate her around her anus with very light touch during foreplay and sex and see if she responds well to it.  If she likes it, use loads of lube and see if she enjoys it when you insert a finger.  If she doesn’t, a penis is a bit of a push from there! In your experience, how many guys and girls in SA have anal sex regularly? Probably about 5% Maybe 10…

6. Multiple sex partners

In general, are women open to the idea of sharing their partners? Or is this purely a weird male fantasy? Generally no, but there are some that can. Is there any benefit in it at all? There is benefit in being open if you are not monogamous. Polyamorous couples are very honest and protect their partners from infections by always engaging in safe sex and getting regular tests.  Such a setup is much better than one where it is done secretly.  Reality is that it often ends up not working for all the parties involved, but if you communicate about it like adults and take decisions when necessary, it can work.  Cheating generally ends up in a disaster and is not advisable. There are those who will differ from me, of course!

7. Make Your Own Porn

Are GoPros in the bedroom a good idea? Sure! But also be sure that if you record yourself, there is always a chance that it might end up on social media never to retrieved again! And again, how on Earth would a guy get his lady to agree to it, without sounding like a perv? Start by taping stuff with clothes on and see if it excites her to make it. Do role play to make it feel more like acting. And obviously, promise to delete it straight after! *Note: image courtesy of Google Book a session with an expert if you want to know more: